I think I am insane, probably suffering a disorder. I can’t stop myself from masturbating. I can lock myself in the room all day just to be masturbating. I can’t stop even if I try to. It is affecting my entire life. I have never been in a relationship for more than a month. I have no close friends nor do I go out. I just enjoy the idea of being alone and stuffing things in my vagina.
When I was seven, I walked into my elderly sister, who was by then sixteen masturbating in her room. I didn’t know what she was doing, I didn’t even bother to know at first. While bathing with mom days later, I remembered what I saw my sister doing, like every other kid, I explained everything I saw to mom and asked her to tell me what big sis was doing with her flowers (that’s how we call vagina in our home as kids).
Mom was angry but I didn’t realise, she didn’t give me any reasonable response but I was ok and had forgotten about it. When my sister returned from school that day, I really wished I didn’t ask mom about it. She was drastically beaten, insulted and disgraced by mom. All our neighbours were involved and everyone got to know what had happened somehow.
For days, my sister could not come out of her room, I was scared to go nearer to her. I knew very well all these wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t asked mom about what I saw. My parents had three kids, all girls and I am the last. Everyone loves me very much but after the incident, I realised even mom herself had distanced herself from me as a result of regretting the manner in which she treated my big sister.
One morning, I confidently went to my sisters’ room just to see what she will do to me. She did nothing, she only asked how I was and why I haven’t come to her room in the past four days. Surprised as I was, I told her I was sorry and that, I was thinking she is mad at me. She said she wasn’t but again asked me why I didn’t ask her to explain what I saw but rather asked mom. I didn’t give an answer. She then asked me to come spend the night in her room later in the evening. Happy me! I spent the whole day in her room, we ate together and watched videos together on the computer till I fell asleep a bit further into the night.
I was later woken up by her. Still feeling and acting sleepy, she washed my face with sachet water and told me not to sleep again. I was ok, then she took off my pant and asked me to sit on the bed with her, she had no pants on too.
My sister then explained to me at age seven what masturbation was and dragged my curious self into it. That night on her bed, she asked me to repeat after her everything she did.
It wasn’t nice, trust me. It was boring, I didn’t like it and I even urinated on myself. “It will be nice later, just try to do it every day but make sure no one sees you and you will get to like it”, she said. Though painful and boring at first, I started to enjoy it as I continuously engaged in it. It became a hobby, I gradually started enjoying being alone more than company. Almost everyone in my family started to notice the change in my behavior but I became stronger and more defensive as I grew older and older.
My sister was the only person who knew what I was into it. We sometimes do it together in her room.
I am thirty-five now but I can’t stop. All my siblings are married, even the one who introduced me got married at twenty-four. It get worse daily; I insert all kinds of things in my vagina; from bottles, vegetables, fruits, cutleries, and even the heels of my shoes. I haven’t had sexual encounter with any man yet but the place is so wide that even beer bottle or my fist can go there without me feeling anything. I want to stop.
I want to marry and have a family of my own but each time I try, I give up. I have tried severally to be in relationships but, they don’t work. I just develop this sudden hate for the guys and send them off. I need help, I really need help. My life is a mess right now. My parents think I am a lesbian; people think I am suffering from some disease or a curse. Please help me. Anyone who has a solution to my problem should tell me. I want to change my life. I need deliverance.