I have been married for 18 years sir, I have no child to call mine. I have two adopted children but I am not happy when I see them. My husband doesn’t understand why I still cry every night and still go places to see if I can have a child of my own at age 45.
Sincerely speaking, I killed my mother myself three years ago because she is the reason I am going through all this. When I completed high school, I started going out with a guy by the name Richmond in 1997. My mother knew him but as my friend. Just when I was about going to the university, I realized that I was pregnant.
Rich was a cool guy, his parents were ok and wanted me to have the baby so they were the people who came to see my mother to let her know I was pregnant. What they did to me, showed that they were good parents. I was 20 years so I wasn’t expecting my mother to react the way she did but she sent them away and threatened to get their son arrested if she should see him around me again. Worst of all, she personally took me to a doctor friend of hers to abort the child for me.
I didn’t want to do it but she insisted I do it or leave her home and never call her ‘mother’! I couldn’t do anything, my mom won that battle and her defeat is what has kept me crying for 18 years.
I got married six years later to my current husband (when I was 27). We have tried everything any man can try but yet had no children.
First few years of childlessness, I used to run to my mother for help because she was my only hope but in my fifth year, I hated her because a part of me kept reminding me of the abortion she forced me to do years back. I barely visited her and anytime I did, we will quarrel till I leave. I told her one day that if I don’t give birth before I turn forty, she won’t live to see me have or not have a baby then.
On my forty second birthday, I passed by her house very early in the morning and strangled her with a pillow and drove off to work. Hours later, I had a call she was dead. I faked her tears but never faked the ones I shed for being childless.
It’s been three years after her death, I am 45 now and still haven’t had a child. My husband thinks it’s too late but I still have hope. I know something didn’t go right.
Doctors have confirmed that I am ok to be honest. My husband is fine too. He has been a very good man to me. I feel he doesn’t deserve any of this. I haven’t lived any bad life to say it is the reason I am having this encounter. I know deep down it is because of the abortion my mother did for me. She was an evil woman. Till date, I don’t regret what I did to her.
My husband sometimes asks that we visit our parents grave, anytime we do I come back to spit on hers and curse her. I feel I am taking the hatred too far because it has made me very bitter. For a while now I haven’t really had any good relationship with our kids (adopted). A lot is hunting me. I am restless. I think of suicide most often. Sometimes, I just feel like divorcing my husband, going somewhere far and doing the craziest things I never did. After all, my mother has successfully destroyed me even after I lived my life as a good child.
I could have been a spoilt brat because she was rich and successful, I was a comfortable kid, I never lacked anything but that didn’t change me. She always told me I have a good heart like my father, who died when I was sixteen. I don’t even know what I am saying.
I need help, I need someone to tell me what to do because I am suffering. I wish to kill myself but then, I hate the fact that I would be going to join my mom. I am confused, soo confused. I need help please.